A Parent’s Guide to Prom

When Daria’s doorbell rang the afternoon of her daughter’s senior prom, she opened the door to see a gaggle of dressed up teenagers and their parents. Her daughter had invited everyone over to take pictures on their patio — and neglected to tell her. “She said, ‘Sorry, mom, I thought I mentioned it!’” recalls Daria, who lives in New York City. “It was totally fine, but if I’d known I would have changed out of sweatpants and maybe put out a plate of cookies.”

Looking back, Daria says this communication glitch was typical of that time in their relationship. “She was getting ready to go to college, separating from me, doing things more independently,” she recalls. But the now-funny story underscores a few different points about preparing kids for prom. First, you and your kids might have different expectations about, and plans for, their experience. And second, it’s important to have clear communication leading up to the big event.

In order to support your child through their prom experience (emphasis on their), it’s important to consider where you’re coming from first. “Think about your expectations about prom, what your experiences were, and how they might be different than what your kid’s expectations are,” suggests Megan Ice, PhD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. 

Beware of making assumptions about your child. “We don’t want to assume that they do or don’t want to go. We don’t want to assume that they want to break a bunch of rules and stay out all night, or that they are going to automatically follow the rules,” says Marc Shuldiner, PsyD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. He suggests that you ask yourself these questions:

• What is prom bringing up for me — my own memories, my own hopes, my own disappointments?
• What are the guidelines or rules I want to establish around how prom should go?
• What’s important for me to communicate to my kid? 
• When and how am I going to communicate these things? 
• What potential obstacles might prevent these conversations from going well? 

Once you know where you’re coming from, and where you stand on prom-centric issues such as budget, substance use, after-parties, and more, Dr. Ice suggests approaching your teenager to find out what they’re thinking about prom. “The first thing is to ask your kid if they want to go and what their dream prom experience would look like,” says Dr. Ice. “Each child is different.” Really listen to their answers and go from there.

According to psychologists — and parents — here’s what you need to know before talking to your kids about prom.

If you’re like most parents of teenagers, chances are you went to prom with a date, each wearing an outfit you bought or rented with your parents’ help, after one of you asked the other, “Will you go to prom with me?” These days, things are a little different.

Staci, a mom in New York City, reports that the large high school her daughter attends “makes it so much easier because it can be a non-date, you can just go with a friend, show up by yourself.” Jaime, raising kids in central Massachusetts, says that anything goes at their school, too. Her daughter planned to attend with a date but “she and her boyfriend happened to break up a couple of weeks before prom last year, so she decided to take a girlfriend with her,” she says. “It was a challenge, but she had a great time.” Her son, whose prom is this year, “is single,” she says, and plans to go in a group. 

Since there are so many versions of what a prom experience can look like, Dr. Ice reminds parents, “if you are asking your kid whether there’s anyone they’re thinking of inviting, be careful how you phrase it. You don’t want to assume that they’re asking someone of another gender or that the person who identifies as male is the one asking.”

Your kids’ prom will have its own requirements and traditions, which may not match your memory or image of a prom. “My daughter told me seniors had to wear long dresses,” recalls Catherine who lives in Hastings, New York. “I was like, ‘They just mean fancy! I have this great tea-length gown you can borrow.’” But her daughter insisted and, Catherine says, “in the end, I was glad she did because every single girl had a dress to the floor.”

Some schools have strict dress codes, such as juniors in short dresses, seniors in long (or vice versa). Others have transportation requirements. “Our school has implemented a mandatory bus ride to the prom location,” says Jaime. “It’s bittersweet, as I remember limos and dinners beforehand, and they don’t get that experience now.” On the other hand, the bus may cut down on pre-prom drinking and promote inclusivity, paring back pre-prom gatherings where some kids are invited and others are not.

Some folks think these elaborate spectacles — in which one teenager asks another to prom with a handmade sign, bouquet of flowers, box of cupcakes, or even a marching band, and then posts it on social media — are sweet. Others say they’re way too much drama. “I have felt it puts a tremendous amount of pressure on young kids to make grand gestures,” says Jaime. Jessica, in New York City, says her son asked a female friend to prom, “and she had made it clear she needed a promposal,” whereas neither of her daughters felt a promposal mattered, and their dates simply invited them.

Wherever you stand, know that promposals may play a role in your kid’s prom, which can add both fun and stress. Also be aware that some schools have strict rules about when, where, and if promposals can take place on school grounds, so your child will need to be mindful of those.

“One thing parents might not realize is how much of the drama is happening online, not in person,” says Dr. Ice. “Who’s wearing what dress and who’s invited to what are getting posted, so your kid may be finding out that they were left out of things online at 11pm.” 

Your teenager might need your help recognizing when it’s useful for them to be involved in certain conversations — need-to-know logistics, for example — and when it’s making them more stressed or feeling lonelier, says Dr. Ice. At the suggestion of her therapist, Staci’s daughter made the decision to stay off social media for a couple of weeks before the prom, “just to have her own experience and not compare it to anyone else’s,” Staci says.

You’ll also want to advise your teenager to be mindful of social media during the prom and after-party. “Remind them to make sure that they’re only doing things that they’re okay being caught on camera if they’re in a public space,’” says Dr. Ice.

Parents can get excited about helping their kids plan prom — sometimes too excited. “Adolescence is a time where they’re exploring their identity and developing more of their own thoughts and feelings around what they wear, how they look, and who they’re friends with,” says Dr. Ice, so it’s important to make space for them to explore. “Parents can still help kids think through their promposal and practice what they’re going to say, without having to actually do the work, so the kid is still getting the experience doing it themselves.”

But let the developmental level of your kid and how independent they are guide you. If your child needs extra support in certain areas the rest of the year, then you should consider stepping in to assist. For example, “for kids with executive functioning challenges, knowing the deadline for when you have to get your ticket could be a real challenge,” says Dr. Ice. “You can give your kid a reminder like, ‘The deadline for getting tickets is on Friday. I just wanted to remind you that if you are planning to go, you’ll need to give the student council money by then.’”

What you absolutely should talk to your children about are your expectations for their behavior on prom night. “If you have rules around alcohol, sex, substances, curfew, say that up front and be clear about the consequences of breaking that expectation,” says Dr. Ice. (For advice on how to talk about these issues, see this article.) 

As prom approaches, discuss specific scenarios that might arise and talk about, or even role-play, what might happen in those situations. “It is helpful to talk through some of the things that could come up on prom night,” says Dr. Ice. “What are you going to do if there’s drinking or other substances there? What are you going to do about getting a ride home?” You can also tell them that they can and should call you if things go wrong, and you will help them. “If a kid knows they can reach out to you, and that you’re going to be there for them, it can create a safe place of trust,” says Dr. Shuldiner.

It won’t just give your child resources they can use; having these discussions ahead of prom can also allay your fears. “You might think, ‘I know that they’re probably unsupervised right now. I know there are probably some drunk people around them — and I know they have a plan, they’re going to be safe, they’ll call if they need anything,’” says Dr. Ice. “And then maybe you distract yourself that night, so you’re not just worrying.”

Your kid asks someone to the prom and gets turned down. Or they see plans about a pre-prom party online and realize they’re not invited. Prom offers lots of scenarios for Mama or Papa Bear to come out swinging, but your real job here is to give your child the tools to navigate social complexities on their own. “There’s such a pull to fix the situation, like let me call that mom or let me do this thing that will take your pain away,” says Dr. Ice. “But pain is a fact of life, and we have to help our kids learn how to experience it and cope with it and not let it take over their entire life.”

So, what’s a worried parent to do? She recommends that parents lend a supportive ear, but in most cases, let kids figure things out on their own. “You can say, ‘Wow that sounds really painful’ or ‘I’m so sorry that they didn’t include you. That must be really hurtful,’” says Dr. Ice. “Then you can ask, ‘What do you need right now to help you get through this moment?’”

Whether or not your child has a history of anxiety, a high-stakes social event can be stressful — especially if it’s the first one they’ve ever attended. “Prom can be a very anxiety-provoking event,” says Dr. Ice. “Parents should really validate that, be confident that their child can do it, and work with their child to find experiences and supports to help them through it.” 

If your child voices specific concerns, help them think through potential situations and how to handle them. Dr. Ice says that might mean saying something like, “Do you think that it would be helpful to go to a crowded place to practice what it might be like at prom?” She explains, “It’s really all about thinking through what will help your kid be able to face the anxiety rather than taking away the stressor.” 

Emotions can also be heightened in the days after prom. “It may be that they’re a little moody afterward because now this amazing thing that they’ve been looking forward to for months is over,” says Dr. Ice. Or perhaps prom didn’t live up to the hype. Staci recalls, “My daughter’s best friend, who went with her boyfriend, had so much pent-up expectation about the prom, that she was actually disappointed. She went home early crying.”

Scheduling other exciting things to look forward to might help offer your child a bit of balance and avoid a post-prom letdown. The goal is to enjoy this milestone and make the most of this time, but to keep it all in perspective. As Dr. Shuldiner says, “At the end of the day, prom is a dance where we can celebrate what we’ve achieved with people that we want to celebrate with.”