How to Talk to Your Teen About Prom

We’ve all seen teen movies where prom is the grand finale — either the most romantic night of a young life or a booze-fueled bacchanalia full of teenagers making bad decisions. In real life, for most people, prom is neither. But the pressure to create lifelong memories has the potential to cause some conflict among kids and parents.

To make sure the night goes well, parents will want to have conversations with their kids about their concerns and expectations, whether it’s related to drinking or substance use, sexual activity, or something as down-to-earth as setting a budget.

Here’s expert advice — and actual scripts! — for how to talk to your teenager about prom, so that they’re prepared, you’re relaxed, and a good time is had by all.

You might have had conversations in the past about your family’s values and rules, but prom is the kind of event that calls for a refresh. Your teen may argue that rules should be relaxed because it’s a special occasion — or that they’ll be leaving home in a couple of months anyway — and you might feel pressure to give in. But that doesn’t mean you have to abandon your better judgment. Can you settle on a plan that works for both of you? Some recommendations to keep in mind:

Know your values. Keep your focus on what’s important to you, especially when it comes to your child’s safety and healthy development, says Marc Shuldiner, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. Helping them have a good experience at prom doesn’t mean giving in to every demand.

Start the conversation early. Planning for prom can start months earlier than parents expect. “Many times there’s anxiety around asking people that can start in February for a June prom,” says Megan Ice, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

Never assume. “Each child is different, so don’t make assumptions about what your child’s prom might look like,” says Dr. Ice. Or even how interested they are in going! She recommends getting the ball rolling with an open-ended question like, “What are you thinking about prom?”

Present a united front. If you have a partner, act as a team on whatever issues arise, whether it’s budgets or after-party attendance. “Many parents disagree about these decisions,” warns Dr. Ice. “Talking them out first before presenting them to the kid will help decrease conflict, as your child won’t keep trying to negotiate or pit the parents against each other.”

Here are some specific situations you may want to consider discussing in advance of the big night.

How much you’re willing to spend on prom is something you should be clear about early in order to avoid misunderstandings. But it’s also a chance to get to know what’s motivating your child’s spending and what they’re most excited about.

“Different families have different means and ideas about what’s appropriate to spend for something,” says Dr. Shuldiner. If your kid is looking to splash out, say, on a dress, he suggests asking them, “What is it about that dress that’s special? Is it the name brand?”

Once you find out why it’s important to them, he says, you can have a better idea whether it’s something you can support. If they’re worried about being judged by their peers, is that the healthiest way to respond?

Again, says Dr. Ice, this is a chance to acknowledge their fears and help workshop solutions. “You can still validate their anxiety around being judged, and brainstorm ideas, like renting a dress, thrift shopping, or supplementing your budget with money they have earned,” she says. “You can also help them weigh a higher budget against another desired item, like a new cellphone or a trip. That can help them learn how to prioritize where money goes.”

Be clear if you just can’t afford to spend more than a certain amount. If a purchase is not in line with your family’s values or resources, says Dr. Ice, let your child know, to help them move on to alternatives.

Families have different points of view on teenage drinking. Prom is a time to reiterate yours. Dr. Shuldiner suggests saying something like, “You know how mom and dad feel about underage alcohol use. Remember, you are still underage. And just because it’s prom does not mean it’s no longer illegal.”

Even if you have a strict no-drinking policy, it’s important to make sure your child has practical information to make smart choices. According to Dr. Ice, even a teenager who doesn’t drink needs to be told, “Don’t accept a drink from strangers, know who you’re going to call if the person who is supposed to drive you is drunk, and know what the rules of the venue are.”

She suggests coming from a place of, “This is important to know in case your friends drink.” She explains, “Often kids are more receptive to this angle — they’re more likely to listen to you because they care about having the information they need to help keep each other safe.”

Don’t worry that offering info is giving permission; it’s keeping your child safe. The more prepared a child is to encounter alcohol or drugs, the more prepared they are to resist them. “That moment of panic is often when they just go with ‘Yes, sure, I’ll have it,’ because it’s easier than saying the hard thing,” says Dr. Ice. She recommends having your teenager practice setting a boundary by having an excuse at the ready when they’re offered alcohol, whether it’s “I’m on medication” or “My parents are super strict, I can’t.”

If they’re simply offered a drink, she suggests something like, “Oh, do you have any soda?” If the situation is more in the realm of games, such as beer pong, Dr. Ice recommends teenagers say something like, “I’d be happy to play. Can we use a water cup?” That way, she says, “They can still say yes to the connecting part, but no to the alcohol part.” The main thing is preparing your child to face situations where drugs or alcohol may be present, and, says Dr. Ice, “helping them feel confident that even if they say no to the substance or if they decline to drink, their friends will still care about them.”

“When we talk about substances, real information, rather than scare tactics, is the way to go,” says Dr. Shuldiner. Instead, offer age-appropriate information. For instance, you can explain that if you smoke pot or drink when you’re not used to it, it can have a stronger effect, so you need to be very careful. Or you might say to your teen, “You’ve gone to so much trouble to create a special evening. You don’t want it ruined by drinking too much.”

Let your kid know that if something terrible happens, they can call you without fearing the consequences. Dr. Shuldiner suggests telling your child point-blank, “The deal is that it doesn’t matter what’s going on. If you call me, I will help you.” Not only is this a way to keep your child safe, it can be a game-changer for your relationship. “When our kids need us most, we want to be there for them, not have them thinking, ‘I’m going to get in so much trouble if I call Dad,’” says Dr. Shuldiner.

Offering kids information and resources of what to do in dangerous situations isn’t giving teenagers clearance to engage in risky behavior. “Just like teaching a kid about condoms or STIs doesn’t mean we’re giving permission to have sex,” says Dr. Shuldiner. “It means we’re giving them the information they need to avoid harm.”

Speaking of sex, “there’s a lot of pop culture about losing your virginity at prom,” says Dr. Shuldiner. “I think that’s more in the way of movies than it is in real practice. The kids that I work with are not necessarily gearing up to prom thinking this is going to be the moment that something happens that was definitely not happening previously.”

Ideally, you’ll have talked to your child regularly about sex well before prom. If you haven’t checked in recently, or you want to reiterate your point of view, but you’re nervous about bringing it up, Dr. Ice again recommends beginning the conversation by asking about their peers. Try, “Are any of your friends planning to share a room with their date at the hotel?” or “Are any of your friends having sex?” If they say their friends are sexually active, you may follow up with, “Well, are you having sex?” As Dr. Ice points out, it’s a matter of “not being afraid to ask the questions, and being prepared for the answers you might get. You have to be able to hear the answers and to react in a nonjudgmental, curious way, so you don’t shut them down for future conversations.”

Much like with drinking, exploring what might happen in terms of sexual activity can help a child prepare. “You could practice ahead what to say if they decide that they don’t want to have sex, so that the kids feel ready to say it in the moment if they are feeling unsure,” says Dr. Ice. ”Let them know it is okay if they are not in the same place as their peers in terms of what they hope to do that night.”

You’ll also want to provide your child with information, both about consent and what safe sex looks like. Dr. Shuldiner suggests reminding them that, “under the influence of any substances, no one can give consent. Remember, officially, if you’re drunk, you can’t get consent. And if you’re with someone who’s drunk, they cannot give consent.”

For many parents, worries about substance abuse and sexual activity center around what happens after prom, when the chaperones are gone and kids head to after-parties. Some parents are happy to have their teens attend post-prom activities, others are not. Whatever you decide, be clear about your point of view.

“If you are normally not okay with your kids going somewhere without parents afterwards, that doesn’t have to change,” says Dr. Shuldiner. “Our values don’t have to change just because we want our kids to have fun or fit in — just like we wouldn’t want our kids to make decisions based on whether they’re going to feel that they fit in.” If it’s a no, say something like, “I don’t want you somewhere where there isn’t an adult. I’m concerned about what might happen. I’d like you to come home right after the prom.” Or maybe, Dr. Shuldiner says, a compromise is in order. “Your curfew is generally X o’clock and you can have an extra hour, but you have to come home. I don’t want you staying out all night.” 

“It’s important to set up expectations in advance, so they’re not calling or texting at one in the morning the night of the prom,” says Dr. Shuldiner. “Tell your child, ‘I’d like to know in advance, what are the plans, where are you going, so I can know whose house it’s going to be, and I can find out about the parents and decide whether or not I feel comfortable with you being there.”

Whatever you decide, Dr. Ice recommends spelling out your motivation, so that kids don’t “jump to the conclusion like, ‘You hate me’ or ‘You’re such a worrier. Why don’t you trust me?’” If you have specific reasons tied to your kid’s history, explain that, she says, by saying something like, “Last time you slept over at someone’s house, bad things happened, so I don’t feel confident that you will be able to set boundaries in an after-party setting.” Or, she says, “if you’re concerned that there’s going to be drinking, say, ‘The party could get broken up by the police and you’re going to be in trouble because you were there.’” Dr. Ice explains, “Outlining your concerns teaches them that there is some reason behind your rule and it’s not just arbitrary.”

If you’re a hard no on the after-party, there might be others who feel the same way. “Some parents will say, ‘We’re all going to give this answer so that no one parent gets blamed,’” says Dr. Ice. Or you might work with other parents to come up with an appealing after-prom option that makes you feel comfortable.

“We’re not raising our kids in a vacuum,” says Dr. Shuldiner. “We all probably want our kids to be safe and healthy and happy. If we remember that, it might make it easier for us to approach other parents and say, ‘Hey, I’ve been thinking about prom. What are you thinking? Why don’t we plan to do this?’” By reaching out to other parents, you’re also modeling social connection for your teens. 

However you decide to handle prom, Dr. Ice points out, “at the end of the day, you can still say, ‘I’m the parent, and I get to make these rules. This is how I plan to keep you safe, and my job as a parent is to keep you safe.’” The main thing is that you want your child to know you love them, and to empower them to turn to you in difficult situations.

“That doesn’t mean that every discussion about prom will be doom and gloom,” cautions Dr. Shuldiner. Don’t forget to celebrate the milestone. Your parting words of advice to your teen can be: Have fun.