How to Protect Kids During a High-Conflict Divorce

The year I entered high school my mother whisked my brothers and me away to a cramped apartment across town one night without much explanation. I’d only had the chance to pack a few things, unaware that I’d never see my childhood home again. My father was promptly served with divorce papers the next day.

My parents’ divorce proceedings would go on for nearly a decade. Important milestones like graduations and birthdays were often overshadowed by vicious arguments, court hearings, and petty games of one-upmanship. All the while, my siblings and I were forced to take sides in an endless war we’d never asked for.

Any divorce can be emotional and difficult to navigate. But it can be considered high-conflict when it involves a series of disagreements (such as financial support, property division, or custody), a breakdown in conflict resolution, and aggressive hostility. This might look like repeated litigation, unfounded allegations of abuse, sabotage of parent-child relationships, and a host of other destructive behaviors — often undermining the quality of parenting and setting a poor example of interpersonal communication for the children involved.

“For a child, being in the middle of a high-conflict divorce can be incredibly difficult,” says Jaime Weiss, an attorney who specializes in family and matrimonial law in New York. “We see a range of consequences and mental health issues. It could be chronic headaches, stomachaches, self-harm, drug use in adolescence, difficulty forming intimate relationships, and so on. We see kids who end up bouncing from school to school or enrolling in more intense mental health programs.”

Still, there are ways to protect kids from the brunt of a nasty divorce, and we’ve turned to experts in the field for guidance.

A child’s experience during a high-conflict divorce is shaped by the parents. And the first step to making everyone’s experience easier is to educate yourself on what you and your child can expect, advises Natalie Weder, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at the Child Mind Institute.

After that, there are additional steps you can take to make sure your child feels supported while shielding them from the worst aspects of a high-conflict divorce.

“Providing age-appropriate explanations of what they can expect can help reduce anxiety for children,” says Tanvi Bahuguna, PsyD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

It’s important, she says, that dialogue about the divorce remains clear, consistent, and neutral. “Reassurance is super important at this point, and your job as a parent is to simply validate all the confusing feelings that may be coming up, acknowledge that this is confusing, and understand that this is something that they’ve never experienced in their life,” she advises.

If the child is too young to fully understand what’s going on, says Dr. Weder, there are other ways to communicate and help them share what they’re feeling. “I’ve used picture books like Dinosaurs Divorce. It’s about a family of dinosaurs experiencing a divorce, and they describe what they’re feeling. Sometimes for a child, it’s much easier to talk about what they expect a dinosaur to feel instead of their own feelings.”

“In these types of cases, we sometimes see parental rejection,” says Weiss. “There can be issues of parenting time refusal that may involve one parent either consciously or unconsciously signaling to the child that they should not want to spend time with the other parent. And so, the child feels the need to align with one parent and reject the other. That becomes very problematic over time because it’s a tough issue to address once it cements itself.”

For this reason, having firm boundaries with the other parent from the beginning is important, says Dr. Bahuguna. “Parents need to be having those discussions. ‘What kind of communication do we want to have in front of our child about the situation? How are we going to talk about our divorce in a neutral way that isn’t harming the other parent?’ You want to prevent putting the child in the middle and reduce conflict as much as possible.”

Of course, in a high-conflict divorce, this can be difficult to pull off. One parent may want to keep things civil while the other continues to bad-mouth them to the child.

While the urge to defend yourself is understandable, says Dr. Bahuguna, it’s important to remain brief, factual, and neutral in tone when discussing the other parent. “Just sticking to the facts and keeping that consistent over time is more beneficial than engaging in counterattacks or trying to explain your position to your child,” she explains. “But it’s upsetting for a child to hear one parent bad-mouth the other, so validate those emotions. And remind the child that they are loved, and these are adult decisions that are being made that have nothing to do with them. Children tend to internalize a lot of the blame and guilt.”

While communication breakdowns between parents are common in a high-conflict divorce, there are ways to try to mitigate the level of conflict to make things easier for all involved.

“Parent coordinators can be utilized to help parents with disagreements,” says Weiss. “And in extreme cases, they can also be a conduit for communication between parents.” She also notes that if parents have the resources, they can each acquire a parent coordinator — then the coordinators can talk to each other and act as a buffer.

And if there is a family therapist involved, says Weiss, set clear boundaries with that therapist early on. “The one thing that I see come up again and again is that there aren’t clear ground rules for the therapist,” she recalls. “One parent might call the therapist all the time and provide information without the other parent being aware. So, it’s important to have a clear road map where both parents feel like they’re in the loop.”

Weiss also advises that parents refrain from responding immediately to every text message or email, especially if tensions are high. “Unless it’s an emergency that must be addressed immediately, I encourage people to take a cooling period. Instead of responding to the message right away, acknowledge that it’s there, put it to the side, and then maybe pick it up and respond 24 or 48 hours later when you’re not feeling incensed.”

Additionally, there are apps such as Our Family Wizard that parents can use to talk to each other. “The apps themselves can pick up tone and can stop a message from going through if it’s highly toxic,” says Weiss. The app can also be a great tool for maintaining a catalogue of communication. “It keeps in dates, time stamps, and an inventory of the back-and-forth. So, if one parent says, ‘Oh, you didn’t respond to me,’ you can look back and see exactly when everyone responded and who was on the thread.”

All experts agree that with the changes that come along with divorce, maintaining as much consistency and stability as possible in the child’s life is essential.

“A difficult aspect of divorce is when the child’s life is significantly disrupted,” Weiss explains. While they may have to change their living arrangements or reside in two separate households, try to keep everything else as uninterrupted as possible. “Try to make logistical arrangements where you’re both living in proximity to one another or in proximity to a child’s school so that they’re comfortable going back and forth,” she recommends.

“Reassure the child that they’re going to keep going to the same school. They’re going to be able to see their friends. They can continue their regular activities.”

Children do well with routine, says Dr. Bahuguna. “It would be in the parents’ best interest to keep the routines within the separate homes as clear and consistent as possible. So, having the same morning routines, nighttime routines, and structured mealtimes,” she says. “That really provides stability and safety for children, and that can also help parents provide their own internal stability and safety for themselves.”

Weiss describes helping clients come up with a plan to navigate the logistics. “I help my clients plan out their calendars for the next two or three years to give them a chance to reset, calm down, and breathe a little easier. And typically, with the passage of time, some of that high conflict can be tamped down.”

Divorce, especially a high-conflict one, is a painful and stressful process for all involved. “It’s important for parents to also take care of their mental health as they’re navigating this journey,” says Dr. Bahuguna. This allows you to not only take care of yourself but continue to be a warm and safe space for your children, which is essential during a time of immense change and chaos.

While kids are bound to be affected in some way by a high-conflict divorce, there are telltale signs that it might be time to seek help from a mental health professional. And, according to Dr. Weder, these symptoms will look different depending on the age of the child.

“Toddlers in general have much less of an ability to express their feelings through their words. So typically, you see more behavioral symptoms like regression,” she says. “For example, let’s say that a baby was already toilet trained. You might see them go back to having accidents.”

With young children, says Dr. Bahuguna, the biggest sign to look out for is a huge shift in their behavior. “They tend to act out when there’s a lot of internal distress. So that could also look like regression behaviors.” This can show up as increased clinginess or temper tantrums you thought they’d grown out of.

Teenagers typically display more anger or defiance, Dr. Bahuguna explains, but they may also internalize their struggles. “This can look like a lot of withdrawal behavior. They may withdraw from parents, from peers, from school activities and hobbies they once enjoyed,” she describes. “And they may start engaging in risky behavior, like hanging out with unsafe peers who can lead them astray.”

‌Family therapy, along with individualized therapy for the child, is typically recommended for a high-conflict divorce. But according to Dr. Bahuguna, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) may be necessary if the child is displaying a lot of trauma-related symptoms. While the sheer shock of the divorce can be traumatizing for a child, witnessing volatile behaviors between parents, courtroom proceedings, and a sudden change in the living situation can also take a toll on their mental health.

“So, some of the signs that we would be looking out for would be if a child has grown to become more fearful around people, maybe more hypervigilant,” she explains. “They might be having flashbacks or reporting increased nightmares. Those would be trauma-related symptoms, and TF-CBT would be the best line of treatment.”

However, Dr. Bahuguna points out, if domestic violence or abuse is involved, then TF-CBT would not be appropriate for the child, as it has a family-focused component. “In situations like that, play therapy can be really helpful, especially for younger children,” she says. “In high-conflict divorces, we may see play that can be a little more aggressive in nature. Maybe there are themes of rescuing, where the child is rescuing characters within play. These are great signs that maybe a child is better suited for play therapy over talk-based therapy.”

And for older children and teenagers, a modified form of CBT can be helpful, especially if the divorce proceedings are ongoing, says Dr. Bahuguna. She recommends a regular discussion with your child’s therapist to determine the best form of treatment, as the needs may change over time.