How Much Should You Monitor Your Teen’s Social Media?

So you’ve decided to get your kid a phone and even allow them on social media. Now what? A hot-button topic (in parental social media circles, of course) is how much caregivers should be keeping tabs on their kids. Some adults — and many teens — argue that it’s an invasion of privacy. But with concerns about cyberbullying and detrimental effects of social media on self-esteem and mental health, others say it shouldn’t even be a question.

According to the Pew Research Center, about 4 in 10 parents and teens report regularly arguing with one another about time spent on their phone. Considering that 95% of U.S. teens report being on social media — and 46% say they are online “almost constantly” — conversations on the topic are nearly unavoidable.

Balance — both in social media use and parental monitoring — is key. “We want parents to be aware of both the positive effects of social media and the very real risks involved,” says Dave Anderson, PhD, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “There’s likely a Goldilocks effect in the sense that there is a ‘just right’ amount of being on social media that allows that social connection, and we don’t want to go beyond that to a point of diminishing returns.”

Parents worry about their children’s exposure to inappropriate content, cyberbullying, scams, and predators, as well as social media’s impact on their mental health. But where should a concerned parent even begin?

For parents, the decision to allow your children access to social media is often about social connection. “Teens will come to their parents and say, ‘Look, my friends are on this. This is what my generation does to connect,’” Dr. Anderson says. Parents can use that as a starting point for conversation to build social capital with their child before getting to the negatives. They can say something like, “I totally understand why you want to be on social media and that it feels important for social connection.” And take it from there.

If kids are old enough to be on social media, then they are old enough to learn about the risks and what measures they can take to protect themselves. “We want them to be aware that there’s a significant likelihood of exposure to content that promotes unhealthy behaviors or is associated with racism and discrimination, and we want to be critical consumers of the content,” Dr. Anderson says. Parents should talk to their children about possible negative mental health effects, how the algorithms work, and what to do if they encounter hate speech.

If your child is tuning you out or claims to know everything — after all, they are teens — you can try alternate strategies. If there is a trusted older teen, coach, or mentor in their lives, ask them to go over some of this stuff with your kid. You can also urge your child’s school to address the topic in the classroom or a special assembly. Sometimes it can take multiple avenues to get the message to stick.

Ideally, you can agree on parameters with your teen before they set up their first social media account. For example, who is allowed to follow or friend them? How much time are they allowed to spend on social media each day? What time at night does the phone get put away? And it’s never too late to revisit the rules, whether it’s to lift or increase regulations.

Most devices have parental control settings built in to help create healthy boundaries around screen usage. Examples of features include the ability to create content filters, block apps, set time limits, manage privacy settings, and restrict purchases. These don’t allow direct monitoring of social media but can help set and enforce the parameters.

Similarly, individual social media platforms have set some boundaries. TikTok, which is used by 63% of teens, automatically places restrictions on users based on age — so it’s important that your child enter their real birthday when setting up their account. Teen accounts are automatically set to private, have a 60-minute time limit, and are unable to post “live” or have their posts recommended to people they don’t know. They have the option for “family pairing,” which allows parents to link their TikTok account with their child’s and set further time limits, restrict content, and prevent or limit direct messaging (which is already restricted for kids 16 and under).

Parents can familiarize themselves with their child’s preferred social media platforms and their individual safety and parental control features. According to the Pew Research Center, YouTube is the most popular social media site, with 93% of teens saying they use it. TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram are the next three most common social media sites.

It may be helpful to think of parental oversight as training wheels or scaffolding, with the goal of your teen building the skills to self-monitor. “We want to give them an age-appropriate level of independence and autonomy with an understanding of the risks, while also keeping a line of open communication so that they feel they can come to us,” Dr. Anderson says.

A child just starting out using social media, or who is prone to poor decision-making, may require daily checks, whereas an older or more responsible teen may need only occasional monitoring. The amount that you monitor is less about age than maturity and temperament. “There is no magical age where a kid wakes up and can suddenly utilize social media,” Dr. Anderson points out. “Just like there’s no magical age where kids just wake up at 16 and know how to drive an automobile.”

There are a number of apps on the market designed to allow parental controls and access to their children’s devices. Some popular options include Bark, Kaspersky Safe Kids, and Qustodio. Most have the functionality to do things like implement internet filters, set time limits, monitor posts, view chat history, find deleted messages, and see photos sent and received through social media.

Some parents require that their children share their login information so they can have access on demand. “I had their passwords and monitored the social media apps they downloaded as well as content they posted,” says Jenn H. from Texas. “I was not sneaky about checking on them. We had ongoing conversations about the reality of social media, scams, predators, fake accounts, etc. In high school, they earned more freedom and eventually total freedom to learn how to self-monitor.”

One way to keep tabs is to be “friends” in their preferred social media platforms. “Both my daughters (18 and 20) are okay with me following/friending them on their social media, so I don’t have to monitor as such. I also follow many of their friends, at their request, and they follow me,” says Rozlyn Carvin from New York.

Parents can ask their child to hand over their device. This can be part of an agreement — like handing over the phone every evening until morning — or can be part of a random-check policy. It allows parents to directly look at all activity from social media to text messages, and even recently deleted photos.

Though they may be less likely to publicly announce it, 50% of parents admit to looking through their teen’s phone with or without their knowledge. Peeking behind the curtain raises questions of privacy. However, if a child is being dishonest or has found ways around monitoring, parents can feel left with little choice.

A glimpse at your child’s social media feeds can give you insight into the sort of content they have been consuming, since the various algorithms will give them more of what they seem to want. Take note, too, of your child’s behavior IRL (in real life). If they seem upset after being on their phone, become increasingly secretive, withdraw, or display symptoms of depression or anxiety, it’s worth paying extra attention to their digital life to see if something there might be the culprit. There are any number of red flags that parents may find concerning:

• Inappropriate content. Keep an eye out for inappropriate content in their feeds, posts they are tagged in, or their own posts. This could be sexually inappropriate images or messaging, offensive language or hate speech, unkind language, or mature content.
• Bullying. Whether you notice your child being bullied or they’re the one doing the bullying, cyberbullying is something to take seriously. This could look like snarky or derogatory comments, making fun of someone, spreading rumors, being purposely left out, name calling, or threats. It can take place in public posts, private messages, or group chats.
• Unhealthy messaging. Social media can present such a glossy view of life that it can be easy to get sucked into trying to keep up with unrealistic standards. Look out for content or posts promoting disordered eating, unreasonable beauty standards, dubious physical or mental health advice, or anything that seems like it is negatively affecting your teen’s self-esteem or well-being.
• Revealing photos. We’ve all heard horror stories about ill-advised photos ending up well beyond just the intended recipient. Private messages and deleted photos tend to be where this sort of thing resides. This can be a very sensitive and embarrassing subject, but better for kids to confront it with their parent than the world.
• Predatory behavior. One of the most important tenets of online safety is understanding that people are not necessarily who they say they are. Parents can check feeds and messages for signs of foul play, from catfishing to financial scams to grooming.

Kids are smart and tech savvy — usually far more so than their parents — so if they want to find a way around social media monitoring, they will. Kayrl Reynoso in Michigan tried a program called OurPact — but it didn’t last long. “My oldest figured out how to disable OurPact and to be honest, monitoring it was a challenge. They can make accounts parents don’t know about, and who knows what they see on their friends’ phones,” recalls Reynoso. “The best thing I came up with was talking and teaching.”

As your teen learns to appropriately and safely use social media, there are bound to be some bumps in the road. If you come across troubling content or behavior, it’s best to address it in a calm, curious, nonjudgmental manner. You could try something like, “Hey, I was doing one of my periodic checks of your social media and noticed some of your connections saying some pretty offensive stuff. Is that always how they talk?” You can discuss why you find it upsetting, how it makes your child feel, what an appropriate response — if any — might be, when and how to block someone, and when to report such language to their school, their parents, or the social media platform itself. A similar approach can be used even when it’s your own child acting questionably. “Hey, I noticed…” is often a nonconfrontational way to open the door to conversation.

It’s easy to get frustrated when kids find workarounds to parental controls. Entering into a power struggle has rarely done anyone good, so it’s ideal to approach pushback — at least initially — with a problem-solving mindset, trying to see things from the perspective of your teen and work together to find mutually acceptable solutions.

If initial attempts to find middle ground — whether your child continues to seek out inappropriate content, engage in unhealthy conversations, or break rules — further action may be warranted. Parents may choose to limit or remove phone or social media privileges as a natural consequence for not engaging safely or appropriately. You can explain that if they were unable to drive safely, they wouldn’t be able to get a driver’s license or could have it revoked; similarly they need to prove that they can responsibly use social media to be trusted with it.

Hopefully, over time, your child will need less and less social media oversight. With a strong foundation in media literacy and online safety, they will be able to make smart and safe choices so they can enjoy the benefits of social media.