My 5-year-old doesn't listen to me and is disrespectful. Time-outs don't work. What should I do?

Many parents I see have this problem — children who become oppositional or upset when required to do something they don’t want to do or stop something they like doing. Unfortunately, many of these parents have gotten in a pattern where they are paying attention to their child’s misbehavior and ignoring appropriate compliant behavior. One of the first things that I like to do with parents is to reverse this pattern of attention: You want to pay attention to compliant behavior and consistently ignore disrespectful or tantrum behaviors. In this manner, the child learns that compliant behavior will result in rewarding positive attention, and that oppositional behavior will neither get them attention nor help them get their way.

By asking questions, such as “Why do you do that?” during or after a conflict, it inherently gives attention to the child’s misbehavior, making it more likely to continue in the future. And a child who is very emotional can’t think rationally about their behavior.

Parents who come see me for parent training often tell me that they have tried time-outs and they do not work with their child. This is often because of common mistakes in using the procedure that makes it ineffective. First, a time-out must have a negative consequence. If the child is able to have fun in time-out (watch TV, play with a toy, read a book), then it is no longer a time-out — it is fun time! Second, children should be ignored throughout the duration of the time-out. Parents who talk to, look at, or gesture to the child during time-out are giving the child reinforcing attention. Third, the child’s behavior must be appropriate during the time-out. Parents who mistakenly let their child out of time out even though they are screaming and yelling are not teaching their child that they must act appropriately to get out of time-out. Moreover, if the child leaves time-out before their time is up, they must go to a backup time-out area. Many parents whose children prematurely run out of time-out often give up and assume that time-out isn’t working. Lastly, when the child’s time-out period has ended, they must comply with the original command that landed them in time-out to begin with. Many parents, when their child has completed time out, let them pursue another activity instead of complying with the original command (start your homework), making the time-out a reinforcing avoidance strategy for the child instead of a negative consequence.

If you use time-out and consistently consider the above steps, along with praising positive compliance behaviors and ignoring minor misbehavior, you should get your child’s compliance to increase and his disrespectfulness and tantrums to decrease. If you still experience difficulty after using these steps consistently, you might want to consult with a psychologist experienced in parent training, especially parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), which would help you master these skills.