DBT for Parents

What parent hasn’t started a conversation with their kid and had it go off the rails? You want to talk to them about something simple, like getting their homework done on time, and somehow it turns into a fight that leaves you both upset. Your good intentions don’t necessarily translate to good communication.

But you can improve communication with your child by practicing skills taught in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). DBT was initially created by Marsha Linehan, PhD, to help adults with borderline personality disorder learn to regulate their emotions and behavior. Later, DBT was adapted for children and adolescents to address a range of mental health diagnoses, including anxiety, depression, substance use disorders, and disruptive behaviors disorders.  

An important part of DBT treatment programs for kids and teens is parent training, where adults learn some of the same skills as their children. These skills — steps to follow for effective communication and to build better relationships — helps both parties talk to each other calmly, avoid misunderstandings, and find a way to connect.

DBT skills are particularly useful in areas where parents and kids have conflict. The child does or says something that gets the parent riled up, or they ignore a request from the parent. Emotions are heightened in both, but a parent using these skills can often de-escalate a potentially explosive situation.

Understanding DBT skills as a parent or caregiver has other benefits, too. Kids watch what their parents do, and they learn by mimicking them. “The biggest priority as a parent is for you to model what you want your kids to do,” says Julie Reinhold, PsyD, co-director of DBT Programs at the Child Mind Institute.

Some of the key DBT skills that parents find helpful use these acronyms: DEAR MAN, GIVE, and STOP. Here’s what you need to know about each of them.

The DEAR MAN skill is designed to help when you’re looking for a specific outcome, Dr. Reinhold says, and it increases the likelihood of getting that outcome. That might be your child turning off a video game when asked or following the family rule of putting away cell phones at the dinner table. Following the steps in DEAR MAN makes it more likely that you will get what you want. 

Let’s say, for example, that you want your child to hang up their coat when they come home.  

Describe. Give a nonjudgmental description of the situation. “I see your coat is on the floor. Our family rule is that we hang up our coat when we come into the house.”

Express how you feel. “It would make me so happy to have the doorway area neat, so people don’t trip.” Explain your feelings in without blaming them as the cause  — for example, you can talk about how hanging up the coat makes you feel good, not how their dropping the coat on the floor makes you upset.

Assert what you want. “Please hang up your coat now.” Make sure that you are specific in what you are asking for. If you said, “Why can’t you behave properly?” or “How come the entryway is such a mess?” it may not be clear to your child what they are supposed to do.

Reinforce why this is also good for them. Explain what might motivate them to do what you’re asking for. “If you hang up your coat, you’ll always know where it is.”

Mindful. Keep your goal in mind and don’t let yourself get distracted. If your child starts arguing or tries to ignore you, keep calmly asserting what you want. “I’d like you to hang up your coat now.”

Appear confident. Maintain eye contact and use a confident tone of voice. You’re asking for something reasonable, so you have every expectation that your child can do what you’re asking for.

Negotiate. You might not be able to get everything you want at that moment, so think about where you can be flexible. Perhaps you can adjust your request so you at least get something — say, your child can put their coat on a chair when they’re in a rush and hang it up later.

When parents learn the DEAR MAN skill, they find it useful, Dr. Reinhold says. But they sometimes have a hard time putting it into action because their relationship with their child is fraught — every interaction starts off with their kid already upset or angry. That’s where the GIVE skill can help.

If you want to improve your relationship with your child, you can try using the GIVE skill. “Sometimes you’re going to prioritize the connection you have with your child over getting what you want,” Dr. Reinhold says. “So, you’ll emphasize the steps in the GIVE skill even if you’re trying to get your kid to listen to you.”

Let’s say you want your child to sit down and do their homework, but they’ve come home from school in a bad mood and want screen time right away instead. Here’s how you might talk to them in this scenario using GIVE:

Gentle. Use a gentle tone of voice when talking to your child. You might feel yourself getting upset because your child has asked for screen time when it’s not appropriate but try to stay calm.

Interested. Show interest in how your child is feeling. “It seems like you had a hard day at school, so you’re not in a good mood. What happened today?” Actively listen to what they say and ask follow-up questions, so you truly understand how they feel. You might think you already know, but getting your child to put their emotions into words helps them gain more insight into why they feel the way they do. Not only will that help them self-regulate, Dr. Reinhold says, but you might learn something that modifies what you expect from them now that you better understand the situation.

Validating. Show that you understand why your child feels the way they do, that you can see their point of view. “It makes sense to me that you’re not feeling up to doing homework because you had a really hard day at school. I probably wouldn’t feel like doing my homework if I had that kind of day.” Note that you are supporting their feelings, not agreeing to the screen time. It’s important to spend time showing that you understand your child’s perspective. There’s a natural inclination to quickly switch from validation to getting what you want — in this case, saying “but you still need to do your homework.” You want to avoid using the word “but.”      

Easy. Have an easy manner. You want to keep things light, so you diffuse any tension. Talking to your kid in an easygoing way creates a more collaborative environment, Dr. Reinhold says, and it helps makes it possible to come up with solutions together. Understanding why your child isn’t ready to do homework right away can lead to a solution you both agree on — say, having a snack first or going for a walk to give themselves a short break before tackling homework. 

“In any given situation, you can combine the GIVE and DEAR MAN skills, but you might emphasize one more than the other,” Dr. Reinhold says, depending on whether you want to reinforce your relationship with your child or reach a goal.

Sometimes, when both parent and child are emotionally dysregulated, it’s hard to use either the GIVE or DEAR MAN skills. That’s where the STOP skill comes in. 

When you’re seeing red, you can’t think straight and might say something you’ll regret. “People experience it physically in different ways, but that physiological response can be a good sort of warning,” Dr. Reinhold says. “Whenever I feel this in relation to my kid, that means I need to pause before I respond because when I’m angry or irritated, my reaction is going to be ineffective.” When you feel anger rising in your body, here’s how to pause and pivot by using the STOP skill:

Stop. Exactly what it sounds like — freeze. Stop what you’re doing and get control over yourself and your emotions.  

Take a step back. Give yourself space to take a few deep breaths so that you can calm down. 

Observe. Assess what is happening around you and within you. Note what your child is doing and saying. You want to take an objective look at the situation.

Proceed mindfully. “Mindfully has to do with proceeding in a more intentional way rather than a reactive way,” Dr. Reinhold says. “It’s helpful for parents to really understand their own emotions in response to their kid.” When you are calm enough, ask yourself what makes the most sense to do next. Do you want to repair your relationship with your child and use the GIVE skill? Or do you have a goal in mind, and DEAR MAN might help? What might make the situation better — and what might make it worse?

At the end of the day, you want to make sure that whatever you do — and what you want your kids to do — reflects your values, Dr. Reinhold says. If you get too wrapped up in the idea that you’re only a good parent if you got your kid to hang up their coat, that might lead you to be forceful and coercive. And that’s not behavior that you want to model for your child.  

“If you are skillful and responding in a way that matches your values,” Dr. Reinhold says, “then that’s a success no matter what the outcome is with your kid.”