What to say and when to say it
Clinical Expert: Ellen DeVoe, PhD
en EspañolOne way to help kids feel more secure about a deployment is to talk about it openly. If you have a school-aged child, you can start discussing the deployment as soon as you find out about it. Giving kids plenty of time to get used to the idea can be helpful. It also gives you the opportunity to reassure them over any concerns they might have. If you have a younger child who doesn’t have a clear concept of time, it might make sense to wait until a few weeks prior.
When you do tell them, be direct about the deployment, but you don’t have to share every detail. Tell them that you have an important job to do — a job that’s so important that you are going to make the sacrifice to be away from your family. Reassure your children that they are just as important as your job, too. Sometimes parents focus on explaining how important their jobs are, which can leave kids feeling left out. Tell them that you love them, will miss them, and will be thinking about them while you are gone.
Explain that you will do everything you can to stay safe. At the same time, reassure them that their mom/dad/guardian is going to make sure they are safe, too. Finding the location of the deployment on a globe or map is also a good idea. This can make it feel less abstract, which can help kids who are feeling anxious.
Make sure to discuss any changes in chores or responsibilities that might happen. Being clear about expectations in advance prevents future arguments. Finally, plan a few fun outings together. It will be comforting to remember these during the deployment. Kids will also look forward to more fun in the future.
Preparing for deployment can be a stressful and overwhelming time for military families. The anticipation that they will be separated puts service members and their loved ones on edge. Children can sense the tension, and knowing that their parents feel stressed or unhappy can make them upset, too.
To help kids feel secure, it is important to communicate openly in the days and weeks leading up to deployment. Parents can set the right tone through caring, frequent, and honest communication.
As you prepare to discuss the deployment with your children, you may be wondering when and how much to tell your kids. Here are some tips to get you started.
When to tell children about the upcoming deployment will depend on the age and developmental level of each child.
By being thoughtful and attentive to each child’s stage of understanding, you can decide when is best to share the news.
When deciding how much to share with your children, it is best to be direct about the deployment, but you don’t have to share every detail. Here are some guidelines:
Ellen Devoe, PhD, Associate Professor at Boston University School of Social Work and principal investigator for the program Strong Families Strong Forces, recommends that service members give their children two messages prior to deployment:
Dr. Devoe has found that families often give the first message but not the second. Families overemphasize the importance of the job as a way of explaining the separation. This leaves some kids to wonder why the children of Afghanistan are more important than they are.
After sharing the news of your deployment with your children, it is important to hear their feelings and thoughts. Sometimes parents treat the discussion as if it is unidirectional. Whether it happens in your initial deployment discussion or days or even weeks later, it is essential for each child to have their feelings about the deployment heard. While it is tempting to fall back onto stereotypes of military families taking everything in stride with a stiff upper lip, children will respond in a healthier way if you are tolerant of their feelings, compassionate, and allow for discussion of apprehensions and fears. Not that you should dwell on their sadness or fears, but it is important for children to be able to speak freely and share their thoughts unfiltered by their parents’ expectations.
For some families, a deployment may mean that older children have more responsibilities, such as babysitting younger children and doing more household chores. Anticipating this increase in responsibility may cause some children to feel concerned and overwhelmed. You should discuss how responsibilities will be divided up and what the expectations are for each member of the family during deployment. Taking time now to paint a clear picture of how tasks will be accomplished will prevent arguments from arising later, when everyone may be under pressure. The whole family will be making sacrifices during deployment, and it is important for children to be prepared for these changes ahead of time.
Once you’ve digested the news as a family and made a plan for handling responsibilities when one parent is away, don’t forget to spend some quality time together. It can be tough to find time for the family as the work tempo tends to increase in the days leading to deployment. But enjoying some fun-filled outings together will strengthen family bonds. Children can reflect on these fun times when you are gone and look forward to future outings when you return.
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