When Parent and Child Both Have a Learning Disorder

If you have a learning disorder or struggled with a particular aspect of learning growing up, you may find it painful to notice your child having difficulty in a similar area. For example, if you and your child both have dyscalculia, which affects number-based comprehension, you might assume that your child will also hate math and avoid it throughout their life — and thus want to avoid discussing it. But it’s important to talk to your child about your diagnosis and your experiences.

“When a parent has a learning disorder, sharing their own experiences and normalizing their child’s struggles is really validating for the child and shows them they’re not alone,” says Angela Dewey, PhD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

But keep in mind that your child’s experience may be different from your own. “While their struggles may match in terms of diagnosis or day-to-day challenges, the child may have a totally different outlook.”

And they are likely to benefit from supports and skill building that weren’t available when you were growing up.

Dr. Dewey recommends that parents let kids know about their own experience with learning issues in an age-appropriate way, using language the child can relate to. At the same time, she adds, “It’s definitely important to balance that honesty and disclosure with being sensitive to the fact that the child is their own person and their struggles might not be the same.”

She also advises parents avoid framing their own experiences in a way that might make their child feel like they’re destined to fail or destined to have the same struggle. If you did have a painful experience in school, you can emphasize that you learned ways to compensate for your learning disorder. Or if you weren’t diagnosed as having an LD when you were a child, but you can see now that you had one, you can focus on how much more is known about learning disorders and how to treat them. “You want to instill hope in your child by telling them basically: ‘I know, and your teachers know, exactly how to support you with this going forward.’”

It can also be helpful for parents to share their own learning disorder diagnosis or learning challenges with their child’s clinician or teacher, particularly if their child is doing a learning assessment. Family history is one piece of the puzzle that helps clinicians and educators better understand children and what they need emotionally and academically.

If you’re seeing signs of an LD in your child, a comprehensive evaluation is important to determine what is going on. “The evaluation is a way to quantify exactly what that child’s struggles are, figure out what supports they need, and come up with a really tailored and effective intervention plan for them,” Dr. Dewey says.

You might see similarities between your own experience and that of your child, but an assessment can reveal other factors at play or other aspects of your child’s learning profile that are different. It also helps educators better understand a child’s strengths as well as their needs for support.

Advocating effectively for your child depends on gathering up-to-date information about their diagnosis and available supports. “It’s important for parents to consider that there might be strategies and interventions in place that they might not know a lot about, because the way we talk about learning disorders is very different to 20 or even 10 years ago,” says educational specialist Taína Coleman, MA, MEd.

For example, assistive technologies such as iPads, laptops, and dictation software can now help children who struggle with reading and writing keep up with their peers. And neuroscience has shown the specific kind of reading instruction children with dyslexia need to learn to read fluently, so you can make sure your child is being taught effectively.

“Another big way you can help,” adds Dr. Dewey, “is by communicating with teachers and the school to ensure that they’re receiving any available accommodations or supports.”

Sometimes, parents can feel guilty about passing learning challenges down to their child. “Try and remove blame as much as possible,” advises Dr. Dewey. “While genetics play a role, kids whose parents don’t have these challenges can also struggle.”

And remember that sharing your own diagnosis with your child puts you in a unique position to empathize with them, to understand a lot of their experiences, and to serve as a role model, Dr. Dewey adds. When you applaud your kid’s resilience and encourage them to power through setbacks, they know you’ve been through it yourself.

“Learning disorder parents tend to be awesome cheerleaders,” Coleman says.

Helping a child with homework can be challenging for parents with learning disorders.

“Homework is often a battleground for parents and kids who have learning struggles,” notes Dr. Dewey. And because kids tend to feel most comfortable with their parents, they are more likely to act out when they are overwhelmed by feelings — “’mom and dad are going to love me whether or not I flip out over reading homework.’”

That’s where it can help to set them up with a tutor, learning specialist, or just another adult, Dr. Dewey says. “It can help kids focus and just removes some of that stress and interpersonal dynamic that comes along with parents trying to help their kids with homework because it’s more neutral ground.”

A learning specialist will also know specific approaches to teaching needed skills. “That could be an opportunity for a child to get some remediation and support for their areas of challenge as well as help with homework.”

Coleman suggests parents help “make the invisible visible” by sharing their own learning strategies and then asking their child what works for them.

“I’m a dyslexic parent, and my child has their own learning stuff,” Coleman says. “I tell my daughter what I know about myself as a learner: ‘The morning is a better time for me to read and do all of my work. Sometimes I’ll use audiobooks. These are the things that help me. What are the things that help you?’” This approach allows parents to make the most of their own experiences while also keeping the focus on their child’s needs.

Children with learning disorders benefit from strengths-based conversations. For example, instead of telling a dyslexic child that school will be hard for them, but they’ll make it through, Coleman recommends parents emphasize the unique, positive aspects of the dyslexic brain: “There are so many talents and skills that dyslexic brains naturally manifest. So many artists, musicians, and athletes are dyslexic. Your brain is built in a way that makes a lot of things feel natural for you, such as making connections, imagination, creativity and problem-solving. What comes easily to you?”

Dr. Dewey advises encouraging, and making time for, kids to get involved in activities that play to their strengths. “It gives them an arena that they do feel successful and helps them build confidence in themselves.”

It’s not uncommon for a child’s learning disorder diagnosis to prompt their parents to consider their own school experience in new ways. If you struggled with reading or math as a child and did not get a diagnosis, your child’s experience can shed light on your own. “Parents start reflecting on themselves and they’re like, ‘Oh, whoa, this was something that was an issue for me. There simply wasn’t much language around it,’” explains Coleman.

Parents can use this as an opportunity to seek their own learning evaluation. Receiving a learning disorder diagnosis in adulthood may help you demystify your academic and work experiences and find helpful strategies to navigate daily life. “There are university centers, hospitals, and independent clinics where parents can go and get an adult learning or neuropsychology evaluation,” says Dr. Dewey. She suggests parents consider local universities with graduate mental health programs, which might be looking for participants for their students to perform evaluations on.      

One advantage to realizing you have a learning disorder as an adult, Dr. Dewey adds, is that it can help you be gentler toward yourself and your own difficulties. “Getting that diagnosis for your child can sometimes put into perspective some of the things that were hard for you,” she notes. “In the same way that it can be validating for your child, you can benefit from that same validation.”